Now that I’m awake, I find myself needing to learn how to stay awake. How to take every moment and use it as an opportunity to wake up further. Whether at work staring at my computer, or driving down the rode staring at the street, I’m learning how to bring magic to these mundane moments and breathe gratitude into them.
For awhile after my ‘dark night’ I was afraid of bringing magic to any moment, afraid that it would plunge me deeper into the waters, and I was already drowning. I suppose I shouldn’t have said ‘after.’
My mind had betrayed me- it went insane. How could I trust reality, or any type of God or belief system, if I couldn’t even trust my own consciousness? And so I was learning to understand formlessness. What was I if not my own thoughts? Everything I had done, the sex, how lost I’d become, the running away and away and away – was that all really me? It was too painful to look at. I didn’t want to know the answer. I didn’t want to see.
I didn’t understand that I was still waking up, that my dream had turned into a nightmare and that if I gave it a little longer I would understand what was happening, I would awaken and everything would be okay. So I chose to stay asleep, afraid that the truth would hurt me the way the hospitals had. Afraid the answer was going to be ‘yes, that was always you, you are not worthy.’ And so I told myself I was disgusting over and over again until I could believe nothing else.
I was wrong. I was broken. I was gross. I was not a shaman, my mind lied to me, I was just insane. Disgusting.
Those words I told myself still live in my mind. The wounds they caused are still healing into scars. The poison is hard to be rid of, but with every moment I can, I send light and love to it. Part of healing is understanding that I was lost, I was afraid, I was terrified, and in those moments that I acted out of fear I was not disgusting, I had simply lost my sight.
The journey to loving myself again didn’t happen over night. It started small, with just daring to hope I could find a job, and eventually I dared to hate myself a little less, to believe in myself a little more, and it grew until I was ready to look at my spirit again.
It’s been 4 years. I’m finally ready to stay awake. I’m learning.
The bear woke up, and it ate my heart.