These posts jump around, so start wherever you find yourself. It is my intention that, if you are reading this, it finds you exactly when you need it. It is my intention to build bridges- to connect.
I had trouble connecting with my father since at least adolescence. Before I was school age I would sometimes go to work with him and watch while he hammered away, doing construction. He would buy me a brightly colored “Squeeze It” drink and a small pack of powdered donuts. I loved it. My father is good with kids, but once we grew up he was always busy trying to make money or he was high, normally both. Sometimes very angry.
After I walked outside naked my parents picked me up from the hospital and took me home with them. I was still in an altered mindset. Time faded in and out. My parents were terrified and watched over me incessantly. The first night my dad sat in a chair at the door and my mom lay in bed with me. It was dark, it felt like the sun was always just rising or just setting. The room was messy, the house full of cockroaches.
At first it felt like a violation, there were always eyes watching me and it drove me crazy (both metaphorically and literally in this case). I just wanted to go back to my apartment and sleep in my own bed and I knew everything would go back to normal and I’d be okay. But I never got that.
My parents loved me. They were just scared. They didn’t want me to walk outside naked again. Or do worse. Who knows. So they wouldn’t take me home. I was suffocating. The walls were haunting me. But something inside me was also transforming.
Locked in my parents house my only escape was my own mind and the internet. I went on many campaigns. I was loud. I commented on my own Facebook posts and commented on the comments. I wrote in a blog and re-posted to a second blog I’d created. One of the things I was praying to and posting everywhere was #VioletLight.
One night I stayed up with my dad and we talked all night. We connected. He treated me like I was a small child and I responded as such. I think it’s the only way he knew how to show his love, and in this altered mindset I was brand new, just born, still awakening, so it fit. We were connecting on the one thing my dad was an expert at: growing maryjane.
I was asking him question after question and I told him to name a strain after me… name a strain for me and call it purple haze. I knew this strain already existed, the request didn’t necessarily make sense, but the key here is in the color. My mind was firing so fast and connecting so many variables sometimes what sounded like nonsense I’m finding now has significance.
At the time I was just grasping at pieces trying to make sense of them. Then today, over 3.5 years later, I got the urge to Google “Violet Light” which auto-filled to “Violet Light meditation” since I was accidentally on Yahoo! Search, and found St. Germain and the violet flame.
“The violet flame is one of the greatest little-known spiritual tools on the planet, and a tremendous gift from God to mankind.
It’s an aspect of God’s light and energy, also known as the flame of forgiveness or the mercy flame” — spiritual-encyclopedia.com/violet-flame
Here’s a prayer I wrote in my my journal in 2014: “From Always I love Myself / And from the blue silence I love / solitude and red peace with pink.”
What I found today:
The Violet Flame is actually a three-fold flame of gold, pink and blue light:
- The pure Divine Feminine ray of energy (relating to our right brain and heart) is crystalline pink, with the qualities of pure unconditional Divine Love, nurturance and compassion, and adoration and reverence for all life.
- The pure Divine Masculine ray of energy (relating to our left brain, throat and heart) is sapphire blue, and relates to the desire, inner resolve, power and will to follow Source’s Divine Will. It also carries our ability to have leadership over ourselves.
- When the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine rays of energy are merged and balanced within us, our higher centers and Christ Consciousness – which is the gold ray of energy – is awakened.
I lost hope back then, but I’m seeing now that even the seeming nonsense has spiritual significance. Maybe everything I experienced really does have purpose. Maybe when I thought I’d been abandoned, I was still in the palm of Creation’s hand: protected, safe, and most importantly free to experience what ever I needed to grow and rise.