When I claim my Enlightenment I’m not trying to down play the severity of some of the pain and hatred that was released during the Awakening. When you’re in ‘psychosis’ you can be a danger, you can become violent, and thank god I wasn’t abused growing up or maybe I would have done worse.
As it stands I spilled secrets and unearthed deep wounds. I shouted my opinions regardless of if the content wanted to be heard. I’ve barely touched on the sexuality I displayed in previous posts, and there was a lot. I believed a million false stories that caused suffering to my own mind. Overall there was a lot more darkness than light.
When the mind ‘breaks’ and you live through your false illusions, it can be frightening to everyone involved. Should we actually let everyone just act out their shadows and see if they heal? I don’t have an answer to that yet.
What this is for me is discovering what happened to me. What happened to my mind.
You can blame the maryjane, the lack of sleep, the binaural beats, the deep meditations, the aunt with cancer, the friend of my mom’s with a brain tumor, the pinched nerve in my shoulder, the isolation I felt living on my own for the first time, the distress I felt as my new boyfriend moved away, how lost I felt at needing to find a new apt, the stress of a hostile work environment, everyday pretending to be okay when I was barely holding it together- you could blame all of the events that simultaneously arose in 2014 and say the psychic pain combined with my DNA made the psychosis emerge from hiding. I could accept my diagnosis of bi-polar. I could accept their medication and all of the side effects for the hope that my moods will be less volatile.
There are many options, many ways to look at what I went through. Accepting the diagnosis may have helped pull me out of the psychosis, but then it kept me trapped within the depression, the self-hatred and constant nagging that I was broken. My brain didn’t work right.
My heart and my soul didn’t start healing until I rejected the idea that I was broken and started searching with the premise that my brain may have needed the experience to heal. I’m learning now to turn the blame into blessings, and accept that the western medical system is a confused and scared collective, afraid of facing the shadow.
It’s a fine line, one our society doesn’t know how to walk yet. What I’m saying may be radical to western medicine. I’m saying that my psychosis wasn’t a glitch in a broken mind, I don’t have any illness, rather just an awakened mind cleansing the impurities.
It’s scary to claim my Enlightenment because I know that my definition may be misunderstood. I’m not saying that I know everything and have no room for improvement. What I’m saying is that I’m on my way. We’re all already Enlightened, we’re just on different parts of the journey. The closest I can come to explaining it is to say that I am becoming. Yahweh