Dreams (Pt. 2)

I had two nights of vivid dreams in a row, featuring different men from past relationships. This is part two.

Lion-dead

Dream of the Dead Lion

On the night of the 24th I was walking on a street with my boyfriend, B. In the dream the street was familiar. As we passed a house with a big window in the front I paused.

“I think A. (my ex boyfriend) lives there, we should stop by and say hi.” B. gave me a look that clearly showed he wasn’t comfortable. “Never mind,” I said, “Let’s keep going.”

The lights in the house came on. A. had heard. “I’m here!” He announced. “Come in!” Now that he noticed us there was no turning back. We approached the doorway and there were two dead birds laying there. This is an omen, I thought. Something was wrong.

B. and I sat on a couch together, while A. stayed in a chair. I don’t recall how the conversation started, but soon A. was acting out.

“No matter how great your relationship is, it will never surpass what we had,” he bragged to my boyfriend. I was pissed.

“We came in to say hi, that’s not okay. If that’s how you’re going to act we’ll leave.” He back tracked there, and we stayed a little longer.

The rest of the dream is a blur. The entire time I got the sense that something was very wrong with A. His speech cadence was off. He sounded manic almost.

The only other image I’m left with is seeing a dead lion laying on the ground. I can’t recall what it was related to, but it was after seeing A.

I awoke with the image burned into my eyes. I couldn’t fall back to sleep after, tossing and turning in the dark until the sun arrived.

The dead birds feel related to my relationships. I researched a little on seeing a dead lion in dreams, and only found one website with this specific topic:

“If you have a dream of a dead lion it means that your sense of courage and fearlessness is dying. You are scared of what is happening and what might happen….  you will need to go about collecting your dignity or else you will soon find that you will be failing in a variety of things”

It rings true. Since my dark night I’ve been afraid of living. I’ve been afraid of hoping or dreaming. I cope with anxiety by smoking marijuana, and that’s how I make it through the days. In my current relationship I’m terrified at every corner. I keep trying to give all of myself, but fear takes control, pulling me back.

What will it take to let all of this go and regain courage? How can I stay motivated and find the fearless girl I used to be, before the world told me I was broken and crazy? She’s still inside me somewhere. The lion can come back to life. I know it.

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